Are you part of the Sandwich Generation – have you lost your mind yet?
Do you feel pulled in too many directions trying to meet the needs of your family and
your aging parents at the same time? Whether it’s emotional, financial, or hands-on
care, how can any of us manage everyone who needs our help? Something has to give
and hopefully it’s not your sanity.
As the saying goes, “put your life support on first, before helping others”. You will need
to do some organizing, but take care of yourself first.
Talk to your kids and spouse:
- Share how you feel so they appreciate how challenging the situation is. Ask for
help. This is one of those “never waste a crisis” times when having to help
everyone at once leads to a constructive evolution in your family as each
member is asked and begins to do more for themselves. This will also help them
feel proud that they are contributing to the whole family, including their
grandparents. - Be prepared to accept, however, that as they take over tasks you previously
managed, that they will be done differently. You must accept that when there is
too much to do, and insufficient resources to do it all, the key is to move
forward, one day at a time, even when things aren’t done as you would do them.
Empower others and let go a little.
Talk to your siblings and parents: - If you are lucky enough to have siblings who help care for your parents, sit with
them and organize. Accept that not everyone will be equally capable or
available, and that will feel unfair. Make it as fair as you can and move forward.
Match people with the tasks they are best suited for, fair or not. - Look for ways to structure the support your parents need. There are two goals in
doing this: 1) organize key areas so they feel more in control – that doesn’t mean
they are in control (they aren’t), but it may feel that way and give you a chance to
take a few deep breaths; 2) separate “support time” from “being their child
time”. Make time to be with them and love them and not problem solve. It is
really hard to do, but it is key. It is that time that refills your emotional reservoirs. - Ensure your parents have POAs for Care and Property set up as well as Living
Wills. When a medical crisis happens, it is much easier for family members to
execute what mom or dad wanted, than argue over what you each think they
wanted. - Have a weekly or bi-monthly family meeting where you go over what is needed
for the next week or two. Divide and conquer. - Create a shared online calendar for appointments and key events where
everyone can see what is needed, when and where, and who is handling it.
Enlist one of the tech wise grand kids to create this – they will be so proud to
have helped. - Create shared online documents where everyone can see doctors or therapists
notes, names and numbers, medication lists, or other information each person
needs access to. - Create a medical folder in their home where key documents are kept (copies of
Health Cards, POAs, DNRs, medication lists, etc… ). Digitize it too. - If resources are available, get professional care support and shift the tasks for
hands on care to them. Caregivers can shop, do meal prep, clean, do laundry,
ensure medication is taken, and generally provide a sense of peace knowing
that someone is there when you aren’t.
Talk to yourself: - Before you visit your parent, decide if this is a problem solving or quality time
visit, and stick to it. Get your head in the right space before you visit as it will be
very tempting to fall into problem solving mode. - Get your own therapist to talk to. Talking to someone you aren’t related to can
be very helpful and give you a little distance and perspective that is otherwise
very hard to get.
Lastly, accept that you cannot do everything, everything won’t be done the way you
would do it, and there will be more surprises than you can anticipate. That is the
human condition and comes in to play more than ever when times get tough. All we
can do is our best, one day at a time.
